Someday when the light flickers giving away to dark,
When all that you stood by suddenly seems perplexing.
When you have more to let go than to hold back,
That very moment, that very day
Remember it what I have to say:
You were not wrong to act strong,
But never correct when you thought me a weakling.
You had the right to ask me to stay,
But, I was not wrong either when I chose to walk away.
I want you to know, why I wanted it to happen.
What made me nurture what was long forsaken.
I knew not or maybe never realised
I had stopped loving myself
That gave me a jolt, a fatal blow.
Each time you yelled, I bit back frozen tears.
Each time you said I went wrong, I hated myself.
But, the sad part was, I had stopped living.
I was surviving with the corpse of a dead hope.
So, it wasn't impulsive when I chose to walk away.
It was a hundred deaths under the smile I faked.
It was a catastrophe which gulped me bit by bit.
My ribs cracked, my heart broke
But, my soul had started healing.
I started it again, the thing called life.
All alone, bold and unfaltering
I chose freedom over you
I chose life over love
I chose afterall to let go and not hold back.
So, when you go through what I went through.
Remember, you needn't walk my road
You needn't fake what you can't handle
Silently surrender. I will pray for you!
I am the eldest grandchild in my family. And being the eldest, I was pampered a great deal by my grandparents. My aama (grandma) and baa (grandpa) always shielded me from every possible dangers including thrashings from maa. I have pleasant memories of evening story sessions as grandpa took me to bed. Aama would oil my hair and tie pony tails which resembled coconut trees that I used to draw. Sundays meant elaborate sessions with my grandparents. Baa would trim my nails, aama would fondle me to sleep. Their bed room was literally my playing room, my story book reading room, my painting room and what not. With time, as I grew, I got a room of my own but their room was still my favourite one. When I left for hostel, I missed them more than I missed my parents. It was in the year 2014, I had come home after my exams when aama received a pressure stroke . She couldn't make it. I had spent a month as he lay sick on her bed. All of a sudden, there was a role reversal. I could
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