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Dust to dust

As a kid, I was fascinated by the world of grown ups. They seemed pretty cool to my eyes. They could ply their vehicles, move around without seeking permissions and get anything they wanted as they had money in their pockets. On the contrary, there I was struggling to choose jelly over butter for breakfast. Well, well maybe I still am a kid trapped in a grown ups body.

The last couple of months have been tough, I have had dealt with unseen situations. I tried to fare it well but probably I wasn't taught the requisites to come out strong. I have  abided by a rule book all of my life. Rather than being in a story I had always opted to stay at the periphery. I have lived more anticipating a future rather thank making amends with my present. The past though a lost chapter somehow never leaves my thought process because all of it makes me who I am today and I don't regret any of it.

These past months were filled with self revelation. I have finally realised how I have always tried to be in the good books of people and that without realising had been toxic to my growing up process. I was that ever understanding kid who would happily let go her share of stuff to fill other's pockets. Kindness, empathy, benevolence were what my family thought me to abide by whereas they should carved me into a strong willed, headstrong individual.

I have this tendency of hurting people without realising. I hurt them and I try to escape them. A fugitive is trapped in my body. I know happiness cannot be collective and I ought to think like an individual but to me it is easier said than done. I have always liked to believe that the very idea of happiness is collective. I can only be happy when I know my people are happy. For now I have stopped being a confused adult and am in the process of becoming who I want myself to be. The journey ahead is tough but never was anything easier so far, this fight shall continue until I meet dust to dust.

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